Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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