I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
