Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
