i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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