i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
