I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
