no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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