You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
