mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
