my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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