i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
