You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
