opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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