fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
