i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
