I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
