I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
