He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
