Pants 0. Shit 1.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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