Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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