remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
