Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
