Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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