Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
