You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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