You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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