im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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