So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
