Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
