"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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