Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
