Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
