I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
