Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
