haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
