next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
