DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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