I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
