I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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