he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
