i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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