nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
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Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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