Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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