The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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