Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
