She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
this will be a night to untag.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
