I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
