Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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