I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
