This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
