I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
