i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
