I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have fence marks all over my body
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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