I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
