ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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