So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
