hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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