I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
