I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
