He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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