i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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