Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
