she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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