I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
